Using Your 'Action Words'

My office is currently undertaking a salary survey. Step one requires everyone to write up a job description. We were given a list of 'action words' and were asked to start each sentence in our job description with one of them. I couldn't resist. I used them all.

1. Accumulate dust in your inbox.
2. Achieve plausible deniability.
3. Acquire excessive amounts of office supplies.
4. Act inappropriately in front of coworkers.
5. Activate the coffee maker.
6. Administer the annual NCAA basketball tournament pool.
7. Advise new employees on whom to avoid.
8. Allocate enough time for breaks and lunch.
9. Analyze contents of the fridge.
10. Archive all the best spam e-mails.
11. Assemble a group of coconspirators.
12. Assist in a discussion that has nothing to do with your job.
13. Calculate who shorted you on the bill at lunch.
14. Call your out-of-state family and friends.
15. Clean your desk as only a last resort.
16. Collect the best pens from the store room.
17. Communicate your dissatisfaction with your coworker’s lack of effort.
18. Compare cubicle size.
19. Compile a list of complaints.
20. Complete your tasks when you have to.
21. Compose your excuses ahead of time.
22. Conduct yourself with confidence. (Appearance is everything.)
23. Construct an elaborate fantasy world as a retreat from tedious meetings.
24. Control the urge to kill.
25. Convert sick time to vacation time.
26. Coordinate your wardrobe with computer wallpaper.
27. Copy the complete works of Shakespeare on the office Nokia.
28. Correlate productivity to the amount of time off offered.
29. Counsel fellow workers on best places for lunch.
30. Delete the porn off your work hard drive before anyone audits your computer.
31. Deliver engaging narratives about your weekend activities.
32. Design your new kitchen on the office CAD software.
33. Develop and unnatural ability to detect donuts.
34. Direct coworkers in how to do their work.
35. Distribute voluminous humorous e-mails.
36. Drive your projects straight into the ground.
37. Embark on meaningless escapades only tangentially related to your actual tasks.
38. Enclose enormous attachments to your voluminous humorous e-mails.
39. Encourage other to not concern themselves with arbitrary deadlines.
40. Enforce the arbitrary deadlines.
41. Ensure you have the best chair in the office.
42. Enter: It’s the big key with a little arrow under it on the right side of the keyboard.
43. Establish close friendships with other managers who will defend you.
44. Evaluate your résumé with frequency.
45. Execute a perfect 180º turn when your manager approaches you in the hall.
46. Extend each and every deadline.
47. Facilitate the procrastination of others.
48. Fill your outlook calendar with fictitious meetings and appointments.
49. Fix it so you can always be off on Monday and/or Friday.
50. Form close ties to those in power.
51. Function anonymously whenever possible.
52. Handle stress with frequent coffee breaks.
53. Help in visible ways to impress those who will defend you.
54. Hold grudges against those who question your work ethic.
55. Implement impenetrable defenses against blame.
56. Influence others to see it your way.
57. Inform management of your Herculean efforts.
58. Initiate a three martini lunch.
59. Install games on your work computer.
60. Instruct coworkers in how they should do their jobs.
61. Interview practice is a necessary part of any job hunt.
62. Investigate all possible job openings.
63. Invoice clients randomly to keep them on their toes.
64. Label everything in your cube as yours.
65. Lead everyone to believe you are swamped with work.
66. Lift nothing heavier than a ream of paper.
67. Locate the best happy hour spots within walking distance of the office.
68. Maintain the illusion of competence.
69. Monitor all the sports scores on the internet
70. Negotiate extensions to all deadlines.
71. Operate the photocopier with an air of authority.
72. Order more donuts and coffee.
73. Participate in all conversations regardless of topic.
74. Perform a song and dance when confronted with unfinished tasks.
75. Phone your significant other at least four times a day.
76. Plan your next vacation.
77. Post entries on your blog.
78. Prepare back-up excuses in case your primary excuses don’t work.
79. Print humorous Photoshop pictures on the color printer.
80. Process tasks in order of importance of the person who requested them.
81. Promote the notion that you should get a raise.
82. Read your personal e-mail.
83. Recommend the best lunch spots.
84. Recruit help in perpetrating office pranks.
85. Register your displeasure with office pranks.
86. Regulate your coffee intake to less than 15 cups per morning.
87. Reimburse petty cash only after six reminders.
88. Render complaints meaningless with your absence.
89. Renew your library books online.
90. Repair the printer yourself. No need to involve the IT department.
91. Report attempts by coworkers to repair the printer to the IT department.
92. Request extra personal days off.
93. Resolve conflicts by siding with whoever most directly affects your salary.
94. Review documentation over and over and over and over again.
95. Schedule a regular nap time.
96. Seek out and devour unattended food.
97. Sell extra office supplies on eBay.
98. Serve notice that your position is indispensable.
99. Service: What customers want and what your coworkers provide.
100. Suggest tasks that can be taken on by your coworkers.
101. Supervise the brewing of a fresh pot of coffee.
102. Teach the art of bringing snacks to the office.
103. Tend to your work when everything else is done.
104. Train your supervisor to not bother you during your ‘me time.’
105. Transfer your work onto unsuspecting coworkers.
106. Type memos in ALL CAPS just for emphasis.
107. Update your calendar to reflect your time off.
108. Vacate the office promptly at 5:00pm.
109. Verify your accumulated sick and vacation time.
110. Weigh the virtues of work against the virtues of another coffee break.
111. Write an endless stream of confusing and meaningless e-mails.